Tek Jansen
!!!! Tek Jansen is widely regarded as the greatest hero of New Earth, having saved it countless times. Tek Jansen is a googolplex times more powerful, smarter, and better looking than Superman, Spider-man, Batman, and the rest of the Justice League rolled together, and he could defeat them all just by making love to Angelina Jolie. Obviously, he has had hundreds of girlfriends. Hundreds and one. Fun Facts * Every time a bell rings, Tek is doing someone wearing a bell. * He is in fact even more powerful than Chuck Norris. * Practices his superior fighting techniques everyday against an army of chickens . Tek Jansen: Inspiration for Humans and Aliens Alike Some New York Intellectuals claim that the groundbreaking material covered in the Tek Jansen Adventures warrants a novel. Many have begged The Honorable Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. to let them publish the epic in a three part series. Although the offer was tempting enough to temporarily sway Stephen from his gut feelings about books, being the great American that he is, rejected their proposals and burnt down their homes in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Why? For one thing, Stephen doesn't need a reason to burn things down. (Although knowing that it is Our Father's will doesn't hurt in such situations.) But books are always worthy kindling, because the factonistas fill them up with tricky words and very few pictures. Comics, on the other hand, speak directly to the American gut, mostly through the use of colorful pictures and as few words as possible. !! The Comic Book The first issue of the Tek Jansen Adventures comic book series, expected to be the best selling in human history, was released on July 11, 2007. The release of the comic generated a world-wide "Tek Mania" which quickly overshadowed the contemporaneous release of the fifth movie in the Harry Potter series. The Animated Series The first animated episode of Stephen Colbert Presents: Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7 - The New Tek Jansen Adventures, featuring Tek Jansen and his arch-nemesis Abraxxia, aired on August 8th 2006. The Tek Jansen Alpha Squad 7 Theme Song: A Tek Jansen Adventure The next exciting episode is just three parsecs away! Series One Episodes Operation: Heart of The Phoenix - Dead or Alive: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: August 8, 2006 Tek's expression of surprise: Solar Plexus! Episode Synopsis: Tek Jansen must infiltrate General Zamovan's fortress and find his way into the filing sector. Tek reaches the filing room, and upon seeing the massive amounts of filing cabinets, he exclaims "Solar Plexus!" His mission is revealed as Tek explains that he must find the plans for the Inhibitor Cannon so he can stop the Brazilian from destroying New Earth's cloud supply. Tek easily finds the file he needs, but is immediately confronted by Abraxxia, Tek's most sensual nemesis. Although Abraxxia appears to have won the confrontation, she concedes victory to Tek. She allows Tek to "collect his prize" and disrobes. Abraxxia and Tek hook up, with Abraxxia telling Tek that he must've had hundreds of girlfriends. Tek wakes up and Abraxxia is gone. He reaches for the Inhibitor Cannon file, planning to deliver it back to base. Tek again exclaims "Solar Plexus!" when he discovers the bed he and Abraxxia made love in is actually a giant space monster. Abraxxia has stolen the inhibitor cannon plans. It appears that Abraxxia is either working for The Brazilian or at least allied with him. Episode cliffhangs. Operation: Destiny's Underbelly: Entrapped!: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: September 18, 2006 Tek's expressions of surprise: Halley's Comet!/Venus Flytrap! Episode Synopsis: Tek Jansen has been captured by The Brazilian's army of Magwad henchmen. He has been strapped to a metal table and is about to be attacked by lasers, saws, and hypodermic needles. He needs to reach a control panel to shut the machines off. He flips his toe ring off his toe, which sets off an unlikely chain of events eventually leading to a feather landing on the "Emergency Torture Stop" button. The machines shut off, and Tek jumps off the table. He runs toward the exit, but is suddenly confronted by a giant tiger. Tek exclaims "Halley's Comet!" and prepares to fight the tiger. Just then, the tiger is shot dead by two young space cadets, named Kevin and Jenny. Tek and the cadets set off to stop the Brazilian. The Brazilian watches from his spaceship as his Inhibitor Cannon sucks away New Earth's clouds. Tek and the cadets arrive at the Brazilian's ship. Tek tells the Brazilian that he is under "Alpha arrest." The Brazilian pretends to surrender, but fires his deadly ray gun at Tek. Cadet Kevin pushes Tek out of the way, but is killed himself. Tek screams "NO!!!" and the Brazilian leaves in an escape pod as Tek is screaming. Jenny cries at Kevin's death, but is consoled by Tek as they embrace. Tek and Jenny make love, with Jenny saying "Oh Tek, you've obviously had hundreds of girlfriends." Tek and Jenny start getting dressed after having made love. Tek suggests they get something to eat. Jenny turns into a giant crab creature and says it is hungry to eat Tek Jansen. Tek exclaims "Venus Flytrap!" Episode cliffhangs. Operation: Aurora Strikes Midnight: Courage's Arrival: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: October 11, 2006 Tek's expression of surprise: Astro Glide! Episode synopsis: mundane, yet amusing, clip of routine spaceship docking procedure Orbit Controller: Ahoy, Tek Jansen. Prepare to initiate docking sequence. Tek Jansen: Roger that, activating plasma locks. Control: Plasma locks, check. Tek: Okay, Theta Zeus Aquarius, ready to deploy landing struts. Control: Go for aft landing struts. Tek: Deploying aft landing struts. (Aft landing struts deploy) Control: Go for forward landing struts. Tek: Deploying forward landing struts. (Forward landing struts deploy) Control: Go for center landing struts. Tek: Deploying center landing struts. (center landing struts deploy) Control: Go for secondary landing struts. Tek: Deploying secondary... (now slightly annoyed) you know what? I'll just go ahead and deploy all the landing struts, how's that? (several additional landing struts deploy) Tek: All right, preparing thruster cascade (Tek presses a series of buttons) Control: Alter hover pattern 3 marks to port. Tek: 3 marks port, check. Control: Too far, back one mark starboard. Tek: 1 mark starboard, check. Control: You're pitched up a little. Tek: I see that. Control: Watch your yaw. Tek: I'm watching my yaw! Tek eventually lands his ship. The hangar recompresses, and Tek is allowed to disembark. As he does so, he is confronted with a giant Jetpackosaur. Episode cliffhangs. Operation: Homecoming's Doorstep: Cat On A Luniharp: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: December 6, 2006 Tek's expressions of surprise: Saturn Ion!/Parumpum/Apollo Creed! Episode Synopsis: Tek must fulfill his oath to the exotic holodancer Eueaiaua to cure Quadrant 5 of the Rasalgethian Plague. Aboard Admiral Allandorfer's ship, Tek oversees the shipment of Muguffacillin to the Beta Orphans on Hospital Planet Roman Numeral Four. He meets the Admiral's daughter Juliex, who has recently returned from the Galactic Academy. The quad-breasted Juliex is twice as sensual as any woman Tek has ever seen. Juliex tells Tek he looks like has has had hundreds of girlfriends. Tek then displays his own considerable charms, only to be interrupted by an attacking Bizlarnian Battlewedge. The mini rays and tiny fighters are no match for the Bizlarnian shields, so Tek volunteers to fight them mano a warship. An ensign suggests they use the Big Gun to defend themselves. Admiral Allandorfer orders the Big Gun fired, vaporizing the Bizlarnian ship, a satellite, Hospital Planet Roman Numeral Four, and a star. Once again, Tek has saved the day. Tek and Juliex retire to a nearby airlock for recreational intercourse, but they are interrupted when the airlock door mysteriously opens. Tek and Juliex are almost sucked out into space, with Tek clinging to the airlock doorframe and Juliex clinging to Tek's man-root. Episode cliffhangs. Operation: Hounds of Hell: Ragtime Billy Peaches: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: January 10, 2007 Tek's expressions of surprise: Parumpum!/Mars Blackmon! Episode Synopsis: Having shrunk back down to his normal size, Tek responds to a desperate distress call from the Jkfllfrd Galaxy. On his was to planet Jkfllfrd-Blue, Tek stops by Alpha Squad Seven headquarters to do a load of laundry, but is mysteriously teleported to the combatosphere orbiting Asteroid Z. On the arena floor of the Combatosphere Tek battles an Ograpod from Telex Four, the deadliest beast in the Helix Nebula, armed only with a 2 volt ion whip. Using his favorite ion whip technique, Tek disarms and upends the Ograpod, then uses the whip to send the beast's battle-axe to sever the chains imprisoning Senatrix Truluria. Using a Eludium bobby pin from the Senatix's hair, Tek detumbles the Magnabolt lock on the arena door, then uses a needle from the Senatrix's hair and thread from here gown to sew Combatosphere guard uniforms, enabling them to walk past the security detail undetected. Quickly making their way to the spaceport, Tek performs a succesful aortic surgery on a disabled starship pilot while delivering the baby the man's pregnant wife is carrying and commanding an epic space battle against Slurg fighters while manuevering through an asteroid field. The Senatrix and the new mother offer to show Tek their gratitude. Tek is concerned about the woman and her newborn, but she reveals that she is from nine months in the future, seeting up the possibility that Tek is the real father. After a quick kiss with both ladies, Tek exclaims 'Parumpum!' Truluria goes to get some Percian wine for the anticipated three-way sexual congress, but in opening the frigidochamber, she releases a hidden swarm of bees into the ship. Tek exclaims 'Mars Blackmon!' Episode cliffhangs. Operation: Dragontongue: Chocolate Blades Of Thunder: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: February 7, 2007 Tek's expressions of surprise: Parumpum /Solar Plexus! Episode Synopsis: Tek is sent back from the future to a desert planet just in time to save Prince Thy5dio from a menacing frog creature. But Tek is shot immediately thereafter by another Tek, who was sent from even further in the future to protect the Prince from the first future Tek, who would have eaten some nearby berserker berries, gone insane and attacked Thy5dio and his attendants. Future Tek II can't resist the ripe, delicious berserker berries, and eats them, only to be instantly killed by Tek III from even farther in the future, who was warned by Thy5dio's sidekick Schlorb. Future Tek III is visited by Future Tek IV, who sends Tek III to the past to receive the message from Schlorb. Future Tek V appears momentarily due to an accidental triggering of the Time Machine during a sexual escapade. Tek IV exclaims "Parumpum!" and joins himself for some hot 3-way action. Their partner says "Oh Teks, together you've obviously had thousands of girlfriends," before they teleport away. Tek VI stumbles onto Thy5dio's entourage while picking up his dry cleaning and is shot by Tek VII for accepting a shirt with too much starch. Tek VII is consumed by a gelatinous slime monster, just before Tek VIII teleports in, wearing a suit of armor, too late to save Tek VII. As Tek VIII teleports away, Tek IX appears to take Schlorb to the past. As they leave, the ragged, injured Tek X warps in, warning them to stay out of caves and disappearing. Tek XI teleports onto the planet to suggest a cave where they can camp out for the night and is killed by Tek XII, who hands them an egg beater to give to Tek XIII, who teleports in during an epic battle with an egg creature. Having gained the upper hand with the egg beater, Tek XIII and the egg monster warp out as Tek XIV appears to warn the group that all the time travel has opened a chrono-rift in the space-time continuum which he is on his way to fix. He also tells them to do exactly what the next Tek to appear tells them. A moment after he leaves, a swarm of Teks teleport in, each pointing a different direction and saying "This way!" then "Huh?!" The Teks exclaim "Solar Plexus!" in unison. Episode cliffhangs, ending series one. Series Two Episodes Beginning's First Dawn: A Tek Jansen Adventure Chapter 1: The strenuous journey from boy to hero is begun this day._ Original Airdate: September 12, 2007 Replay: March 31, 2008 Tek's expression of surprise: Solar Plexus! This is the first episode of the second season of the New Tek Jansen Adventures. Episode Synopsis: A young Tek Jansen is working as a space dog vendor at the Planetary Parliament building on the day Vizier Thermond Chang delivers a speech. To avoid speaking with a beautiful space girl co-worker, Janna, young Tek ducks into the kitchen where he overhears Thermond Chang reveal his true nature. Chang removes his humanoid disguise, which shows his actual form to be that of a Saguaroid. Soon after Chang leaves, an agent with Alpha Squad bursts into the room with an urgent task for the current "Employee of the Lunar Cycle". The Alpha Squad agent is killed before giving young Tek all the details and young Tek finds himself falling out of the kitchen window. Episode cliffhangs. Chapter 2: For each great master was once a lowly student in a school of them._ Original Airdate: April 3, 2008 Tek's expressions of surprise: Solar Plexus! / Golly Gulp! / Parumpum! / Space Mountain! Tek plummets toward New Earth's surface, his clothes tearing away with the force of the wind rushing up against him. Fortunately, since this isn't Earth, his catlike agility and the low gravity allow him to land on his feet. Tek makes his way to Galaxy Plaza, headquarters of Alpha Squad 7 and, upon delivering the nano-fiche, is admitted to Alpha Squad 7 and the loving embrace of instructor Roxy Babylon. Departing Alpha Squad Academy to pick up some toys for another round with Roxy, Tek witnesses the destruction of the Academy, at the hands of evil agent (and future lover) Abraxxia, who disguises herself as a grief counselor and attacks Tek in a moment of emotional weakness. Episode cliffhangs. Sidekick Tek's sidekick is Porpy, a nutty, zany space porpoise. Porpy's hilarious adventures with Tek are guaranteed to make you smile. Chicks Tek Jansen has banged *Melinda Gates *Jessica Alba *Roxy Babylon Image:Picture_5.jpg|AbraxxiaNote: Abraxxia, Tek's most sensual nemesis, may also be spelt Abraxia as this is from the original text. Image:Picture_7.jpg|Jenny (actually a crab creature in disguise) Image:Picture_4.jpg|Hundreds and one Image:Greenchick.gif|A green chick Image:Blondie.gif|Princess Uuhlia of the Planet Festulus Image:Juliex.jpg|Admiral Allandorfer's quad-breasted daughter Juliex Image:Tex3way.jpg|New mother from nine months in the future and Senatrix Truluria Image:timemachine3way.jpg|The Time Machine girl. (The Slib just likes to watch.) Nemeses of Tek Jansen *Thermond Chang *Those affiliated with The Thermond Chang Gang **Abraxia **The Brazilian *The Pistol-Lords Other Tek Jansen Expressions Of Surprise Star Jones! Sun Ra! Pluto Nash! Mercury Monarch! Venus Williams! See Also * Wikiality.com's Tek Tube * Colbearth * Kittens External Tubes *Tek Jansen to Win Super Hero Award of the Year Footnotes